This morning, as I opened up my devotional, the quote - "where needs abound, grace more abounds" caught my attention. I began thanking the Lord for His grace and how he had brought me through a very difficult day yesterday. (Needless to say, our home yesterday was not one of grace and peace!) However, I didn't realize that the Lord was trying to prepare me for what lie ahead. Today has been one of those days when I have questioned many things like - (what are we going to do, you can't come up with anything better than that, God -is this really all worth it, and what am I doing wrong??) just to name a few.
The day started off with Abby going into a screaming fit for no apparent reason. Chris handled it, so I really couldn't tell you what it was, just that it was over something very silly. Now, when I mean screaming fit, I mean constant for at least twenty minutes, and nothing, I repeat nothing, we do will stop it. She finally got calmed down and then went downstairs to play. A few minutes later, I discover that she has found a bag of moon sand and dumped it all over the carpet. When questioned about why she would do such a thing, she stubs up and says nothing. I have already told her that I am the queen of stubbornness and that she will not win; however, today she almost did. I carried her upstairs and she got her second dose of "good cold water" way before 9 am. She then commences to screaming and kicking the wall for well over thirty minutes. I felt like I had had the breathe knocked out of me. I felt so defeated! I called Chris and was crying over the phone that "I can't do this." All the while, I am being reminded - "where needs abound, grace more abounds."
I went downstairs to clean up and I just fell to my knees and bawled my eyes out. I was weeping for many different things - Abby is so miserable and unhappy and then she tries to make us the same, I felt defeated and weaker than I have in a long time, and I was weeping because I want to be a mother to her, but I feel like she doesn't want that. There is so much going on in her heart and mind. The problem is that she will be great for a couple of days and really seem to be coming around, then "BOOM" the bomb goes off and our home is in chaos once again. Another problem is that you never know what is going to set her off on one of her fits. Later this afternoon, after Chris rescued me and took Abby to the doctor looking for some kind of help, they returned and Abby asked for a snack. Well, she had just eaten lunch, so we told her no, not now. Would you believe that resulted in ANOTHER screaming fit!! - over wanting a snack!!
I really don't know what to do...I just know that God was trying to prepare me to lean on Him and drink up His grace. Our needs are great, and looking through our eyes they seem impossible to handle; however, His grace is even greater than all of those needs!
2 comments:
While reading your post, this song immediately came to my mind...
"Lord, I can't even walk without you holding my hand. The mountains too high, and the valleys too wide. Down on my knees, I learned to stand. Cause I can't even walk, without you holding my hand."
He is holding your hand and will get you through this!
In the words of another great song..."I WILL SURVIVE!" Love you!
Oh, Candi. My heart goes out to you. I share first-hand some of your same struggles and sometimes we too wonder what we got ourselves into. But then we are reminded that it's not about us, it's about God. And though we may not see His plan in full right now, there is a reason He brought each of us together as a family. Treasure the good times and reflect on how far you have come!
-Heather
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